My Dog Thinks He's R. Kelly

What you have to understand about Max is that he was the perfect puppy when we brought him home. No “accidents”, no chewing up shoes, handbags or electronic equipment… basically he gave us no problems whatsoever.

That is until this weekend.

The only thing I can surmise is that the dog has lost his fucking mind. Really, that’s the only conclusion I can come to. It is, literally, the only explanation I have for what happened this weekend.

Friday night I went out to dinner with my mom. Now, Max might have been a bit miffed that we didn’t stay home and do nothing but make him the center of attention, but it’s not like I’ve never left him alone before while I went out to dinner with someone. We got home, let Max out, gave him his dinner….everything seemed to be fine….until he lost his mind and pissed all over my bed thereby imparting an amazingly disgusting smell upon my supremely expensive and lovely Calvin Klein bedding (the purchase of which almost got me shot by ghetto folk…but that’s an entirely different story for another day).

In the midst of my screaming at the dog and ripping the bedding off the bed in a desperate attempt to save the bed linens I hear an ungodly shriek coming out of the guest bedroom where my mom was getting ready to go to sleep.

Yep…Max has pissed all over that bed, too. What really sucked is that neither one of us had discovered this until we had actually laid in dog pee. Yeah…that was fun.

Much screaming occurred. Many loads of laundry were done and much showering ensued. Max had to go into his kennel for the remainder of the night for his own safety.

Now I understand that yes, Max is still a puppy, and yes…accidents will happen, so I was actually okay (albeit extremely annoyed) with the whole incident. I was all ready to go to bed, wake up the next day and not give the fact that the dog had peed all over not one, but two beds in what was probably a 20 minute time span. That is until Max REALLY lost his fucking mind.

My mom comes into my room at unholy time of 7:00 on Saturday morning to tell me that she’s leaving. In my semi-comatose state, I didn’t really give much thought to the fact that Max had just jumped on my bed, since this is something he does all the damn time. Well…I sure as hell gave it a little more thought when the following conversation occurred:

Mom (sounding a little alarmed): Sweetie?

Me: Responds with some kind of unintelligible grunting from underneath the pillow (it was 7:00 on a Saturday morning after all…words were beyond me)

Mom (sounding more than a little alarmed by now): Sweetie, is Max peeing on you?

Me (while head is still buried under the pillow): Of course not. Why would he do that?

Mom: I don’t know but he sure looks like he’s peeing on you.

I move the pillow off of my head just in time to see that Devil Spawn of a Dog lift up his leg and pee all over my head.

Let me tell you this…when you start the day off by having your sweet little puppy who you spoil the hell out of piss all over your head…you’re off to a pretty terrible start and should probably just go back to bed with your dog pee soaked hair and wake up sometime next Thursday.

Of course… much screaming (on my part) and laughing (on my mom’s part) and cowering in a corner (that would have been Max) occurred. Shortly thereafter I took the longest shower I have ever taken in my life (unless you count the shower after I was released from a small 20 hour stay in a Harris County holding cell…another story for another time) and used approximately an entire bottle of shampoo.

Of course after the second longest shower ever, I call Nick to tell him what happened. After laughing for a good ten minutes do you know what his only response was? “Holy Crap, Max thinks he’s R. Kelly, that can’t be good”.

Sometimes I don’t understand how or why these kinds of things happen to me.



See how sweet and innocent he looks? Don't let that fool you...he will TOTALLY PEE ON YOUR HEAD!!!