Tuesday, January 16, 2007

It's Amazing My Sister Made it to Thirty

Actually, it’s amazing she made it past seven. Now, before you misunderstand and think that I hate my sister, what you need to realize is that she is probably one of, if not my very favorite person in the world. My sister is intelligent, she’s beautiful and she’s funny as all hell. Seriously….I want to be like her when I grow up.

I never actually started out with the intention to kill her. I was one of those insanely mischievous kids who would always do one crazy thing after the other, just to see what would happen. I never really gave a thought to the consequences of my actions. My thought process stopped immediately after “I wonder what would happen if….”

Yeah…okay…some things never really change.

There was the time that, upon hearing that she was deathly allergic to bees, I decided to come up with a “bee repellant” of sorts. Unfortunately, my bee repellant consisted of dousing my sister with every perfume on my mom’s dressing table (including an entire bottle of her extremely expensive Parfume de Joy), splashing on a bit of vanilla extract for good measure and then sending her out into the bee infested flower garden in our backyard.

In my defense…my sister was more than willing to go out into the backyard without my having to convince her to do so.

Remember that cold medicine “Contax”? Well, when I was about four years old or so (you know, back before the invention of fire) that medication came in these little capsules that were filled with little multi-colored beads of cold medicine that looked suspiciously like candy. Now, not being a complete idiot and therefore being unwilling to actually taste this stuff myself, I proceeded to rip open about 12 of these capsules; enough so that my hand was full of these little beads of “candy”. Now, someone was going to have to taste these to see if they were, in fact candy, and I decided that someone was going to be Nikki.

My mom came down into the basement just in time to see me shoving a handful of pills into my sister’s mouth. Believe me, by the time my mother was done screaming and spanking me, I was pretty damn sure that what I had given my sister was definitely NOT candy.

Apparently, that basement was the scene of many crimes. Including the time I convinced my sister that it was our dog’s birthday and the only appropriate way to celebrate was to drink an entire bottle of sherry. My mom spent a good part of the afternoon very pleased that her daughters were playing so nicely in the basement. At least until she realized something was very wrong, because we were being uncharacteristically quiet. Mom snuck downstairs intime to see her five and six year old daughters drinking sherry and saying “To Blackie’s birfday party….salute!!” Now where the hell we got the “Salute!” part is beyond me, but my mom swears to this day, that is exactly what we were saying.

My dad came home that night and asked, “Where are the girls?” and really didn’t believe it when my mom said, “they’re drunk”. Until he got a whiff of the alcohol seeping out of our pores and saw the damn near empty bottle of sherry.

Guess we really haven’t changed all that much since we were five and six.
Factor in the above along with that whole thing about me introducing her to my friend Dave, her first hit of acid and numerous other things that I’m more than a little responsible and you can see why it really is amazing she made it to thirty.


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