EEEEEWWWWWWW!

OH. HELL. FREAKING. NO.

What the hell is wrong with people?!?!?!

Seriously? I realize that the property manager of the building in which my office currently resides is too freaking cheap to buy those toilet seat cover thingies…but is it honestly necessary for someone to PEE ALL OVER THE GODDAMN SEAT?!?!

In ALL THREE STALLS?!?!?!

Okay people, (and by people I mean the nasty pee-sprayer in my office…whoever she may happen to be) I really only want to have to go over this once, so listen the fuck up.

No, none of us want to share ass germs with the other people in this office. Yes, it would be fantastic if building management would get those little magic ass germ barrier toilet seat cover thingies, but apparently we’re all going to have to accept the fact that they are not so inclined.

You have two options. Well…actually you have three, but one of them is disgusting and I’m hoping like hell that no one chooses option number three.

1) You can use half a roll of toilet paper to create some makeshift barrier between the toilet seat and your ass.

2) Two words for you: Hover, baby.

3) You can just sit your ass down on the toilet seat, sans barrier, thereby exposing your nasty self to a gazillion ass germs.

Those are your only options. Notice how I didn’t say “Pee anywhere you damn well want”? That’s because THIS IS NOT AN OPTION!

Now…if you can’t manage to pee using some method that negates the need for me to have to walk way the hell into an entirely different part of the building in order to avoid your freaking pee, then you’re just going to either have to hold it or learn to pee outside like boys and wolves.

DO NOT make me have to talk to you about this again. Oh…and for the record…I will find out who you are and send out very important company wide memo exposing you for the nasty pee sprayer that you are.

That is all.