This is NOT Going to End Well

No…seriously, nothing good can come of this.

In a moment of complete and utter weakness I promised my grandmother that I’d quit smoking after the holidays. Yeah, I know what y’all are thinking, but honestly…I had no choice since she made this request last month at my grandfather’s wake. Add this to the fact that my grandfather had lung cancer and you can see why “piss off grandma” wasn’t exactly the correct response. Besides…my grandmother rocks and I can deny her nothing.

Here’s the thing. I don’t just smoke…I smoke like a damn chimney. Honestly, I don’t think my lungs are equipped to handle air without carcinogens and tar and nicotine and rat droppings or whatever the hell all else is in cigarettes. You know how there are freaky people out there who are allergic to seemingly healthy things like sunlight and broccoli? Well, I think my lungs are like that with air…they’re just not able to handle the stuff without a Marlboro filter.

I’ve been looking online to see if there’s an easy way to do this. You know…something like that rapid detox for heroin addicts, but apparently that’s asking waaaay to damn much of the medical community. Yeah…we’re supposed to all quit smoking, but GOD FORBID SOMEONE COME UP WITH AN EASY WAY TO DO THIS!

I read somewhere that you should try to replace one bad habit with a healthy habit; like every time I want a cigarette I should jump on the treadmill until the craving passes. Yeah…not so much. First of all…I’d be on that treadmill until my legs fell off before the craving passed. Second of all, how the hell am I supposed to work out while my lungs are attempting to purge themselves of 15 years of smoking?!?!

What if every time I wanted a cigarette, I just bought shoes instead? Or maybe every time I want to smoke, I just go to Sephoria?

SWEET SCREAMING MONKEYS!!! How the hell am I supposed to drink coffee without a cigarette? Or wine? Or Vodka? Shit…I’m going to probably die of dehydration before the cigarettes kill me.

This is going to go well for NO ONE!

At any rate…I should probably get some actual work related stuff done. However, I do believe that there’s a bottle of wine and some half drunken blogging in my very near future. As in tonight. After I get back from the mega Spec’s downtown. After I buy more cigarettes.