Heartbroken

This is probably the hardest entry I've ever had to write. I'm sitting here in my office at home blubbering like a two year old just trying to put the words together, so bear with me if this ends up some odd stream of consciousness thing rather than a cohesive entry.

A couple of weeks ago I received a call from my employment agency telling me that the company I was working for had called them and wanted to buy out my contract and make me a permanent employee. This was great news because even though I hated my job and the bitch I was working for, it would make the financing for the house easier. I told our mortgage broker...the file went to underwriting...everything was all set and we were to close on our house the 24th.

Sunday I got a call from the agency telling me that I had lost my job. No explanation, no nothing. We're still trying to figure out what the hell happened, because the agency can't get a response from that fucking evil bitch, Joyce (I guess now that I don't work there anymore, there's nothing stopping me from using her name).

On Monday I went up to the office to talk to her and find out exactly what happened, but she wasn't there. I did find out that 3 other people lost their jobs as well. I know that business had been really slow lately and that jobs weren't coming in very quickly. It had gotten so slow the bitch had been sending the manufacturing staff home because there was no work. I assume this had something to do with the layoffs but since the bitch is incommunicado, I don't know that for a fact.

Tomorrow I'm going to have to call the mortgage people and tell them that I lost my job. Since our approval was contingent upon both Nick and I being employed, we're going to loose the house because our financing won't be approved. I am beyond heartbroken. I'm completely devastated.

I am so damn tired of waiting for things to work out. I'm so tired of trying and trying to make a better life for Nick and I only to have everything fall to shit. I just keep wondering if we will EVER catch a fucking break. I'm starting to think the answer is "dream on, bitch".

I basically feel worthless. I feel like I've completely disappointed my friends, my family and most especially, my husband. Nick is amazing and supportive and understanding and I've pretty much gone and screwed up his life. Of course, he has never said anything remotely like that, but deep down I feel like that's how he feels. Yes, it's beyond presumptions to assume that I know how he feels better than he does, but I can't help but think that that's what he's thinking about me.

I know on a logical level that we'll get past it. We'll move on and eventually everything will be okay. On emotional level I think that's a pile of crap and that I'm pretty much doomed to have everything I touch turn to shit.

My head's just in a really, really bad place and right now I don't know how to get past it. Hell...right now I don't know why I should even bother to try and get past it since nothing ever seems to work out the way it should.

I'll look for a new job. I'll try and keep busy so as not to go insane sitting at home with nothing to do all damn day. I'll clean compusively to try and keep my mind off of things. I'll go to the library, I'll cook dinner, I'll work out, I'll try to have some semblance of my normal life....but deep down I think this is going to effect me for a very long time. I think it's going to change the way I look at a lot of things. I know it's going to change my expectations of things.

So here's the question...how the hell do I get past this?