Thursday, January 04, 2007

A Compelling Drama

Well…no, it’s not really all that compelling. It’s just a recap of the trip to Target I took on my lunch break in hopes of finding a non-ugly and yet professional(ish) wall calendar for my office since I’m an idiot and keep looking at December 2006 because I am incapable of remembering that:

1) It’s not December
2) It’s not 2006
3) I have yet to order/buy a new wall calendar.

11:45 – Look under desk for purse. Realize purse isn’t there. Panic.

11:50 – Run out to car to see if purse is in there.

11:51 – FUCK! When the hell did it get so freaking cold?!?!?!

11:52 – Purse not in car. Resume panicking.

11:53 – Run back into office. Trip over purse that was hiding behind office door for some reason.

11:55 – Car keys not in purse. Panic again.

11:58 – Remember that I used car keys to unlock car to find wayward purse.

12:00 – Look out window by receptionist desk and see keys dangling from car door.

12:01 – Finally leave office.

12:02 - Bitch to self that it is cold and raining. Am freezing.

12:08 – Hey Look….there’s the Target!

30 Seconds Later – FUCK!!! Have missed the turn.

12:09 – 12:15 – Much screaming and very bad words. Cursing of Humble/Kingwood drivers and god himself commences.

12:16 – Target Parking Lot – search for parking is futile. Park in space that may very well be located in the neighboring county and haul my freezing ass into Target.

12:19 – Hmm….If I were a wall calendar, where would I be?

12:22 – Oh look…fuzzy sweatpants with frogs on them. Must have these.

12:24 – Why the fuck do Fuzzy Sweatpants with Frogs on them only come in XSM or XXXL? Am neither tiny, bobble head looking Olsen Twin wannabe or Huge Giant of a woman on whom Fuzzy Sweatpants with Frogs would look ridiculous.

12:25 – Right. Am here for wall calendar.

12:29 – Oooooh…pretty stuff for currently scary guest bedroom. I should definitely decorate the currently scary guest bedroom. Oh wait…the mother is currently occupying scary guest bedroom. Maybe should wait until the mother vacates the premises. Sigh.

12:30 – Ask disgruntled Target employee where she would be if she were a wall calendar.

12:31 – Stare blankly at disgruntled Target employee waiting for a response.

12:32 – Maybe Target employee is not disgruntled. Maybe Target employee does not speak English. Um…"Yo quiero Wall Calendar?"

12:33 – Fuck it…will find elusive wall calendar myself.

12:38 – Oh my god…THE CUTENESS!!! Tiny baby bathrobes!!! With ducks on them!! I wonder if they will fit Max? I wonder if Target will let me bring Max in to try them on. Wonder if Max will eat tiny bathrobe.

12:40 – HOLY CRAP!!! Have found elusive wall calendars!

12:41 – Get really annoyed upon realizing that calendar choices are limited to: The Art of Zen Flower Arranging, Happy Bunny (which although juvenile and hilarious…not appropriate for work), Sharks and other Terrifying Creatures of The Ocean, The History of Fire Trucks, and (I wish I were kidding) Nuns Having Fun.

12:43 – Decide to see exactly what Nuns do when they are Having Fun.

12:44 – Discover that Nuns apparently ride roller coasters, go to the grocery store and to pubs to drink Guiness.

12:45 – Hmm…maybe should have been a Nun.

12:46 – Look at watch and realize have exactly 15 minutes to get out of the parking lot of death and back to the office.

12:48 – Oh Look….little turkey sandwiches on mini-bagels. Must have this for lunch because I am starving.

12:52 – Stand in insanely long line waiting for disgruntled Target worker to take my money and let me leave with adorable mini bagel sandwiches, diet coke and dark chocolate truffles for candy jar in my office, which has never actually had candy in it.

12.55 – Parking Lot of Death

12:57 – Cannot get out of Parking Lot of Death

1:00 – FUCK!!! Am still in Parking Lot of Death. Debate running over old women and small children in attempt to get out of the damn parking lot.

1:01 – Resume cursing of Humble/Kingwood area drivers and god himself.

1:15 – Pull into office parking lot.

1:16 – Drop purse while getting out of car.

1:17 – FUCK!!! Purse was open and lovely new Chanel lipstick has just rolled under car.

1:19 – Retrieve lipstick. Get off wet ground and prepare to run into the office.

1:20 – Very high heel of new shoe caught in cuff of pants. Fall flat on face in large puddle of nasty parking lot water.

1:21 – FUCK!!! Am wet and have torn the hem out of my pants.

1:23 – Enter office. Boss in reception area giving me very strange look, but as she is a very wise boss does not mention that I am:

1) Late coming back from lunch
2) Extremely wet
3) Have torn pants
4) Do not have wall calendar that I had told her I was running out to get.

I will now kill time until I can go home, grab a glass of wine, pull the covers over my head and not come out until next week.


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