Why I Should Not Listen to NPR

Because before I even made it into my office this morning, this is what I discovered, courtesy of NPR.

1. There is apparently some horrible “natural gas” odor that has caused part of Manhattan and some of New Jersey to shut the hell down until city utility workers can figure out what’s causing it.

2. The majority of downtown Austin has been shut down because there are a bunch of dead birds all over the place and no one can figure out why.

3. The CEO of Home Depot gets fired and gets to leave with a $210 million severance package.

Seriously? I probably should have just stayed in bed today, because after hearing all of this, my brain hurts.

Let’s take these things on an individual basis. Okay, so Manhattan smells a bit and this is apparently a cause for panic. Sure…I don’t so much have a problem with that. If I was running around Manhattan (and dear god, how I wish I were rather than being in freaking Kingwood, but I digress) I might be a tad alarmed by an overpowering aroma of natural gas.

But here’s my question: How the hell does anyone in New Jersey notice when something smells bad? It’s NEW JERSEY for fuck’s sake. If you wanted to live somewhere that didn’t stink you should have moved to New York in the first place. Basically…this is what you get for living in New Jersey. Well, that and scary women with enormous bangs who are still obsessed with Bon Jovi.

Moving On….Downtown Austin has been shut down because there are dead birds? I sooo don’t get this, but perhaps that is because I am from a civilized city like Chicago and when we see dead pigeons downtown we step the hell over them and get on with our lives.

Okay, I understand that the good people of the City of Austin are concerned that whatever killed the little birdies may be potentially harmful people, but until you start seeing state representatives dropping down dead on their way to the Capital building, I really wouldn’t worry about it. Let me repeat for you: Step over the dead birds and go about your day. The dead birdies are not going to hurt you. They’re dead and therefore incapable of hurting anyone, which is more than I can say for live birds that can, very possibly, peck your eyes out.

In Summation:

Dead Birds = Not a big deal…step over them…they won’t hurt you
Live Birds = Run faster than Tippi Hedren in a Hitchcock movie…they will peck your eyes out.

Next item….All I can say is that someone, please, please, please fire me and give me millions of dollars. I would be forever grateful if this would happen and happen in the next 20 minutes or so, because my pseudo assistant (we’ll get to this another day) is driving me up a wall and I may have to kill her. I’d much rather get fired and become a millionaire than end up in jail.

Lastly…Today is the Ohio State v. Those pussies from Florida game for the BCS title. You must all sacrifice chipmunks and eat rancid bat meat or whatever it is that will appease the football gods and assure OSU of their rightful victory. I will know if you do not do this and I will come and find you if OSU looses…..which we all know will not happen. And by that I mean the loosing part, not the part about me coming to find you, because that is a (albeit slight) possibility.