DHS in the Freaking Forest

In case you couldn’t tell by yesterdays cursing of all the idiot drivers in the Humble/Kingwood area, my office is in this shitty little suburb of Houston called Kingwood. Don’t even get me started about how much I don’t like this location and curse the office gods that we’re in the middle of a goddamn forest rather than somewhere nice like Uptown or Mid-Town...someplace with sushi, high rise buildings, decent restaurants, nice bars, good bookstores and the like. But nooooo…I have to work in fucking Kingwood. This sucks so bad.

Anyway…Today at lunch I was starving so I decided to go and grab something to eat. Now please understand, as I am stuck in a goddamn forest during business hours, my choices here are pretty limited. Think Wendy’s or McDonald’s and not much freaking else. Not even Panara Bread where I could at least get decent soup or something with pesto or roasted garlic on it.

So, I pull into the Wendy’s parking lot fully intent on getting some kind of salad that will probably contain more chemicals than all the crap under my bathroom sink combined and what do I see? Seven scary looking vans belonging to The Department of Homeland Security! Apparently there was some kind of problem with insurgents or immigrants or swarms of locust and it required SEVEN FREAKING VAN-LOADS of Department of Homeland Security personnel handle it.

Now, I’m thinking a sensible person probably would have opted to go to another drive through somewhere, but I don’t think I’ve ever been accused of being sensible in my entire life, so not only did I not find another drive through, I parked the car and actually went inside the damn Wendy’s to see what in the hell was going on.

Y’all. Seriously. There were 15 guys in very official looking windbreakers eating chili and bacon cheeseburgers and shit. If this was some kind of undercover sting operation to flush out the random Al Qaeda members who were operating the grill, it was a miserable failure. Even, José, the guy stuck running the French Fry machine didn’t look scared, and I’m left wondering what kind of crisis necessitates the deployment of 15 representatives from The Department of Homeland Security to descend upon the Kingwood Wendy’s.

Oh…and to all of you who live in Kingwood and are plotting the nasty email that you’re going to send me because I didn’t show proper reverence to your crappy little suburb that’s in the middle of a damn forest, please don’t bother. Once you get decent sushi and good coffee that does not come from a godforsaken Starbucks, then you can come and yell at me for not “respecting your hood”.

Hee Hee. I just read that last sentence again. I am so the hardcore ghetto bitch. Looking for sushi. In a goddamn forest. Helooooo Internet land…is the sarcasm/irony coming across okay? Um..okay, I have officially had way to much damn caffeine today and need to go home, because based on that last sentence...I have obviously lost my damn mind.