The Amazing Vomiting Chinese Guy

I saw the strangest thing today. I went to Taco Cabana for lunch and after I had finished my quesadilla I went out to sit on the patio, read my book and smoke a cigarette before I had to go back to the office. It was a gorgeous day and I had gone to lunch pretty late, so it was really quiet and I was pretty engrossed in my book. All of the sudden I heard someone screaming and looked up.

About 5 feet from where I was sitting was a Chinese man who was screaming into his cellphone and waving around a taquito. As I don't speak Chinese, I had no idea what the hell he was saying, but I could tell he was royally pissed off at whoever he was talking to.

He stopped screaming just long enough to glare at me as though he was pissed of at me for eavesdropping on his conversation. Um...dude...I don't speak Chinese and you're yelling so loud that I think actual Chinese people in China can hear you without aid of a cellphone.

This goes on for (and I am not kidding here) a good 20 minutes. Then (and I did not think that this was even possible) the screaming got worse. This guy was beet red in the face and he was spitting all over the place. I was trying very hard not to laugh at him when he made this odd sound that sounded something like "Acckgggereeeeugh"and then he threw up all over the Taco Cabana patio!

This is when I looked down at his feet and noticed he was wearing green velvet wing tip shoes. Where in the name of all that is holy does one find green velvet wing tip shoes? Why does such a thing even exist?

Never in all my life have I seen anything like this, and I've watched 'The Exorcist' eleventy billion times. There were no green velvet shoes in that movie.

Without missing a beat, the Amazing Vomiting Chinese Guy started screaming into the cellphone for another minute or so, and then hung up, leered at me and said "You enjoyed that didn't you?"

What the fuck?

I asked him exactly what about the whole incident I was supposed to have enjoyed and he said "Watching me make a fool of myself". Then he turned to walk back into the restaurant, stopped at the door, turned around and looked at me and said (in a heavy Chinese accent) "Fuck you, lady". Actually it was more like "Fruk you, rady"!

Not having had any prior experience with violently pissed of puking Chinese guys, I had no idea what to do. I was afraid if I told him off that he'd throw up again, so I just left and went back to my office.

Warning to all Houston Area Residents: The Crazies are out in full fucking force!

Additional Warning: Stay away from overly excited Chinese men in green velvet shoes.

Additional, Additional Warning: NEVER purchase green velvet wing tips no matter how good of an idea it seems at the time. The fashion police (of which I am a member in good standing) will fine you a billion dollars.