In Where I Explain How You Can Get Drunk Enough to Think a Hospital is on Fire when It's Not

So, I mentioned that my friend Frank once thought a hospital was on fire that wasn't. Now, you figure that most people are aware enough to at least determine if smoke and flames are or are not shooting out of a building, but Frank's always been a little special and on that particular night, Frank was more than a little drunk.

The first thing that you need to understand is that this took place during Mardi Gras. Not the "real" Mardi Gras in New Orleans, but the pseudo Mardi Gras on Galveston Island, Texas. Now, while nothing can rival the festivities in New Orleans, we do try to at least make an effort...and by effort I mean we all get outrageously drunk and flash strangers for beads.

A few friends and I were hanging out at this guy Gary's apartment and we were really, fantastically bored. We decided rather than just sitting in Gary's apartment drinking all night we would go down to Galveston and check out the Mardi Gras activities.

After an couple of hours of drinking, six of us piled into a Toyota Tercel to make the 45 minute trek to the beach. Cramming that many people into a wee little car was no small feat, and we all got to be verrrry friendly before we arrived. We got to the sea wall about 11:30 and the first thing we saw was my friend Kathleen (who we didn't know was going to be there) chasing Frank down the street and being followed by six or seven guys that we'd never seen before.

We yelled at Kathleen to come over and tell us what was going on, but she was rude and ignored us and kept running after Frank. After a couple of shots of tequila, Crystal and I decided to follow them.

We ran (or should I say, stumbled) after them for about three blocks until we caught up with them in front of the Galveston Hospital. Crystal and I found Kathleen and asked her what in the hell was going on. Apparently Frank was completely wasted, which was our first surprise, since he didn't usually drink and was much beloved amongst our friends for his status as permanent designated driver.

Kathleen proceeded to tell us that they were sitting on the beach when Frank noticed the smoke stacks from an industrial area about a mile or so behind the hospital. Claiming that the hospital was on fire, Frank decided that he must save all the patients from "certain death" and ran into the hospital. Kathleen was just about to run in after him when we caught up with them.

About a minute after she was done explaining what had happened thus far, Frank came running out of the hospital, pushing an elderly man in a wheelchair who was screaming like a banshee, and they were being chased by a security guard. I just looked at Crystal and started laughing like an idiot. I wasn't sure what was going to happen at this point, but I was sure whatever it was would be priceless for humor value alone.

The old man was screaming that he that he was being kidnapped. Frank was screaming that the hospital is on fire and insisting that he just saved the old man's life, while the security guard was screaming at Frank to leave the old man alone.

At that point, being the good friends we are, Crystal and I took off back to our car, and left Kathleen to deal with Frank, the old man, the security guard, and the police who were now on their way. Was that mean? Probably, but we really didn't want to get an MIP since none of us were of legal drinking age at the time.