Friday, December 29, 2006



What the hell is wrong with people?!?!?!

Seriously? I realize that the property manager of the building in which my office currently resides is too freaking cheap to buy those toilet seat cover thingies…but is it honestly necessary for someone to PEE ALL OVER THE GODDAMN SEAT?!?!


Okay people, (and by people I mean the nasty pee-sprayer in my office…whoever she may happen to be) I really only want to have to go over this once, so listen the fuck up.

No, none of us want to share ass germs with the other people in this office. Yes, it would be fantastic if building management would get those little magic ass germ barrier toilet seat cover thingies, but apparently we’re all going to have to accept the fact that they are not so inclined.

You have two options. Well…actually you have three, but one of them is disgusting and I’m hoping like hell that no one chooses option number three.

1) You can use half a roll of toilet paper to create some makeshift barrier between the toilet seat and your ass.

2) Two words for you: Hover, baby.

3) You can just sit your ass down on the toilet seat, sans barrier, thereby exposing your nasty self to a gazillion ass germs.

Those are your only options. Notice how I didn’t say “Pee anywhere you damn well want”? That’s because THIS IS NOT AN OPTION!

Now…if you can’t manage to pee using some method that negates the need for me to have to walk way the hell into an entirely different part of the building in order to avoid your freaking pee, then you’re just going to either have to hold it or learn to pee outside like boys and wolves.

DO NOT make me have to talk to you about this again. Oh…and for the record…I will find out who you are and send out very important company wide memo exposing you for the nasty pee sprayer that you are.

That is all.

This is NOT Going to End Well

No…seriously, nothing good can come of this.

In a moment of complete and utter weakness I promised my grandmother that I’d quit smoking after the holidays. Yeah, I know what y’all are thinking, but honestly…I had no choice since she made this request last month at my grandfather’s wake. Add this to the fact that my grandfather had lung cancer and you can see why “piss off grandma” wasn’t exactly the correct response. Besides…my grandmother rocks and I can deny her nothing.

Here’s the thing. I don’t just smoke…I smoke like a damn chimney. Honestly, I don’t think my lungs are equipped to handle air without carcinogens and tar and nicotine and rat droppings or whatever the hell all else is in cigarettes. You know how there are freaky people out there who are allergic to seemingly healthy things like sunlight and broccoli? Well, I think my lungs are like that with air…they’re just not able to handle the stuff without a Marlboro filter.

I’ve been looking online to see if there’s an easy way to do this. You know…something like that rapid detox for heroin addicts, but apparently that’s asking waaaay to damn much of the medical community. Yeah…we’re supposed to all quit smoking, but GOD FORBID SOMEONE COME UP WITH AN EASY WAY TO DO THIS!

I read somewhere that you should try to replace one bad habit with a healthy habit; like every time I want a cigarette I should jump on the treadmill until the craving passes. Yeah…not so much. First of all…I’d be on that treadmill until my legs fell off before the craving passed. Second of all, how the hell am I supposed to work out while my lungs are attempting to purge themselves of 15 years of smoking?!?!

What if every time I wanted a cigarette, I just bought shoes instead? Or maybe every time I want to smoke, I just go to Sephoria?

SWEET SCREAMING MONKEYS!!! How the hell am I supposed to drink coffee without a cigarette? Or wine? Or Vodka? Shit…I’m going to probably die of dehydration before the cigarettes kill me.

This is going to go well for NO ONE!

At any rate…I should probably get some actual work related stuff done. However, I do believe that there’s a bottle of wine and some half drunken blogging in my very near future. As in tonight. After I get back from the mega Spec’s downtown. After I buy more cigarettes.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Peer Pressure & New Years Resolutions

I’ve never been all that great at resisting peer pressure, which would probably explain why I spent most of high school in a chemically altered state. Well, that and the fact that it was just plain fun and made the ugly carpet at McCullough High School do the most amazing things. Not that I’m recommending anyone take a boat-load of acid and go stare at come carpet or anything….those days have pretty much come and gone. Besides, McCullough is (I think) now a Junior High School and I’m pretty sure that if you go in there, eyes all dilated, thinking your skin’s melting and asking to just hang out and look at the carpet, you’re pretty much guaranteed to be arrested.

Then again, you’re pretty much guaranteed to turn a profit selling acid to kids from a wealthy suburb with too much time and cash on their hands. Not that I’m recommending that either. Seriously…if you get arrested for selling acid to a 12 year old then you pretty much just suck. Unless of course, you are a 12 year old. No, nevermind…forget I said that, because I’m sure that’s going to come back and bite me in the ass. Um…I’d better just quit while I’m ahead.

Anyway…back to the peer pressure thing. Over the past month or so, I’ve had three different people ask me why I stopped writing and updating my blog (both the myspace blog and the Blogger one). Basically, I just got crazy busy. However, since the cyber dwelling public has apparently gotten some kind amusement out of the chaos and humiliation that is my life (um…hitting a man in the face w/ leopard print panties at kickboxing is pretty damn humiliating) I shall make a New Year’s Resolution (which never work well for me…trust me on this) to start writing again.

So…since this is pretty much just a prelude of the insanity to come, I’ll just go ahead and give you some topics that I plan on writing about. Sort of an incentive to peak your interest. Or lack thereof.

• The Great Pinot Noir Tasting Debacle of 2006 – yeah…like I’m really going to spit out perfectly good wine into a funky silver bucket thingy.
• Why that horrible chick in Evanessence should be charged with Crimes against Humanity.
• Why my attempting to quit smoking will end up in what is sure to be a horrifying, comical and tragic event, possibly resulting in someone’s death and/or dismemberment.
• A retrospective on Times I’ve Fallen off of my Shoes While Drunk
• Why my Muslim neighbors kept throwing food off their balcony and onto my head

More later……

No, really…I promise there will be more entries later